Realizations.

Over the recent months, I’ve come to realise quite a few things:

  • I should really learn how to appreciate myself.

I’ve always had a low self-esteem for as long as I could remember. There are times wherein I am indeed confident but I consider it more of a direct and enthusiastic attitude. I seem to have things figured out but I honestly don’t. I seem to believe in myself and feel worthy but deep down, I’m still not. Sometimes, I may be contented but I’m still not entirely satisfied. Being in an environment that doesn’t allow me to reach my full potential has become a factor in my almost non-existent self-esteem. Although I am thankful and still somewhat content with what I have, there are times wherein I can’t help but feel completely useless compared to others. Having friends that are very good looking, smart and nearly perfect has let me down quite a number of times, I can’t count them. I love them to bits but I love attention as well. I guess you could consider it jealousy because the attention and appreciation are given to others. It’s actually quite a bit insulting to be left out because I’m apparently not good enough to be given at least a little amount of value. Looks-wise, it feels really bad to not be given notice because you’re not attractive. It hurts when nobody takes you seriously because they think you’re stupid. What’s worse is that everyone seems to be intimidated by intelligence.

I have this tendency to not accept compliments because truly, I don’t know how. Often when people give me a compliment, I tell them something like “But she’s prettier.” or “No, she’s way smarter.” or “No, she is so much better.” As a girl, insecurity is my biggest weakness. I often find myself asking why I’m not pretty or why I’m not good at this. I’ve become what I hate. I became a fisher. This annoyed me a lot because as much as I hated fishing for compliments, looking for that assurance that indeed, I am enough, I wanted to get rid of it. It annoyed me how needy I became. It annoyed me how every time someone compliments me, I just couldn’t accept it and be thankful. Nobody really cares how you feel about yourself. It’s something you should be able to fix. It’s something I need to improve on. People all around have high expectations of me because of the potential I possess yet this one thing –  this insecurity – holds me back. Hence, I often let people down and not live up to what is expected. Another opportunity is wasted and I’ve disappointed the people who have put their faith in me.

  • Being “conyo” isn’t exactly something to be proud of.

I’ll admit, I often speak in this manner, especially when I’m cranky. I was known for talking like Kris Aquino but then I realised, it’s not something to be proud of really. Conyo or coño in Spanish is actually a derogatory term for “vagina”. We always hear people say (pardon my vulgarity) cunt or pussy as an insult. Why should conyo be any different? It’s actually quite annoying. To me, it ruins the value of language. Why can’t people speak straight Filipino or straight English? I’ve been trying to change this and although there are times when I can’t help it, I limit it and make it minimal. Sure, it is a reflection of which class you belong in society but it’s not exactly classy or fancy. It’s irritating to hear, accompanied with that accent and tone. It makes people seem arrogant and in most cases, they are. In some cases, it’s even condescending. Colonial mentality has probably played a great factor in this, seeing as most of the people who speak this way are those who live comfortable lives.

  • I’m not interested in teenage affairs, especially ones concerning flings and love.

Alas, I’m probably living the wrong decade or even century. I know, I know, I’m a teenager but honestly I could care less how many guys you’ve kissed or how many girls you’ve scored. We’re young and let’s face it, these relationships won’t exactly last. Although there are some exceptions, majority of them are forgotten. Some of them even regrets. We all rush into things and so we hurry and grow up. It’s not something that is easily attained; it takes time. In the process, we make mistakes because we wanted to try something new, we wanted to fit in and we didn’t want to be alone. Being a teenager, we feel lost and confused and crave for affection. We need attention. We need love. But is it really worth it to waste time and give yourself away to people who probably won’t even remember you in 10 years? You knew what you were getting yourself into, why do you still choose to dwell on the pain? Making mistakes is a part of life but please, keep your stories and details to yourself. Nobody’s really counting the notches on your bed posts or belts. There are boundaries to these stories. We’re still kids. There is no need to rush. Spare me the details.

  • Drinking to get drunk isn’t impressive.

Parties are always happening whether over a small victory or a grand celebration. I don’t understand people who drink to get drunk on a regular basis. Tell me, what does it achieve other than liver cancer and disease? Your state of inebriation speaks a lot about you as a person. It’s actually quite a turn off to see people vomiting and acting completely unlike themselves and out of control. Learn your limits. Social drinking is all right but you don’t need to be intoxicated all the time. Stop causing damage to yourself. It isn’t good especially in the long run and you’ll only come to realise that when it’s far too late.

  • I don’t understand why people still complain even though they’ve already reached their dreams and goals.

Honestly, why does nothing please you? Is it not enough how everything has been given to you on a silver platter or how life comes oh so easily to you? Learn to be thankful. A lot more people may be more deserving than you are but yet, your prayers have been answered. Make up your minds and count your blessings, not your deficiencies.

  • It doesn’t really matter what school you go to or the degree you have, it’s the person you become.

In high school, colleges were a big thing. That’s probably the biggest decision you have to make at that age. I applied for 3 out of the 4 top universities in this country and got accepted in 2 out of those schools. Receiving the acceptance letter made me completely ecstatic and lifted my spirits up because I did it all by myself. I didn’t pay to have review classes. I studied and prepared on my own. My ultimate dream school for as long as I could remember is the Ateneo. I grew up in a Jesuit environment even before I was born. I wanted to study in Manila because Ateneo de Davao didn’t really seem like the place for me anymore because of all the hardships I underwent there. The next was the University of Santo Tomas. I dreamed of becoming a doctor and UST offers the best medical education in the country. It hurt a lot to be accepted into these schools and have to give up my slots due to various reasons. And so I came up with other plans, one being Meridian International and take up Music Business Management. I wanted to study in Manila because of all the opportunities it offers. But alas, it did not matter because I couldn’t leave.

Then I realised that despite having these college degrees, we’re all going to end up underemployed or even unemployed. It’s hard to look for a job in this country. The years and money spent on education will be useless because a lot of people still don’t have jobs or have jobs that is supposed to be their profession. Engineers have become teachers when they could be searching for ways to improve our lives. Scientists aren’t given that much importance because apparently this country doesn’t value them as much as they should when they could be able to provide cures and contribute in research therefore making expenses in medicine and technology cheaper. Nurses become call agents. Even a person who graduated suma cum laude in the most prestigious school will not be given the recognition they deserve. In turn, people grow resentful and aren’t happy. I’ve lost hope in this country to be honest. Only those with connections and great influence are satisfied. It seems like working hard isn’t just enough. I find it ironic how everyone says that education should be put first but it seems as though it’s not as important as it should be.

I also don’t understand the point of school rivalry. Who cares what school they went to? Does their school make them less of a person or someone that should not be liked? You don’t need to point out which school they go to or which colours they represent.

Even more than that, professionals aren’t going to care really which school you went to. It doesn’t even matter what you did in high school or which college you went to. (My friends sister, a consistent honor student in high school and an Ateneo de Manila graduate, had to send out 25 CVs and only less than half of those companies she applied into responded.) Sure, it’s quite impressive to see that you went to an elite school but it’s the things you’ve experienced and how learned from them that would capture their attention. If you’ve got something to offer, show them. Don’t just tell them. If you have the skills and if you’re good at what you do, that’s what matters. Know how to accept your mistakes and flaws. It’s all about the attitude. Don’t be a dog that barks.

  • People change.

Ah yes, the inevitable. I’ve always known that the only constant thing we have in life is change. Nothing ever stays the same no matter how hard you wish it would. You can’t expect your best friend to be the same person after going through a life-changing event. We all grow up and sadly, we also do grow apart. Although some of the lucky ones do stay, they’re not exactly the same person they used to be. We all go through a life-changing event that would make us different. Some changes are good but it’s the bad ones we have to learn to accept because that’s the hardest one to comprehend. We have to understand that not everything could stay the same and that no matter how hard we wish and try, things can never go back to the way it was once there is a change in the dynamic of a relationship.

  • Letting go is a necessary sacrifice.

I don’t believe in getting attached. And I am not easily attached either. It quite annoys me when I’m being clingy and I panic as well when I start to feel some sort of attachment but I could easily cut off all connections with a person if deemed necessary. I guess some people would consider it harsh because they would feel like they’re not important or under appreciated or that I don’t really care so I won’t treat them well. It’s not that. I can show my appreciation sometimes but growing up with a family that is somewhat stoic, I find it hard to express my true feelings. But even more than that, I don’t dwell in the past. Sentimentality doesn’t actually quite suit me. I live in the present and I don’t spend my time reminiscing with people. Whenever I’m with my friends, I don’t talk about our past, I want to talk about what’s going on with them right now and what are their plans. And although it hurts to see people as someone you used to know so well – someone who used to be so close to you and trusted with your life – end up a stranger, c’est la vie! People come and go and we really should learn to let go. It’s a strong gut feeling I’m getting that I should not be too affected when the time comes when some friendships have decided to fade away. What with college and people moving away. And who knows if we’ll even see each other again when we become professionals. But I’ll be forever thankful for their part in my life, no matter how short and brief. And if we do end up meeting again and retain our old ways, I’ll definitely have no hesitation to welcome them with open arms.

To be honest, I knew these things were coming but right now, the urge became strong to just let this out. So in no way do I mean to offend anyone. This is just my opinion and my perception of things. These are all personal reflections of everything that’s been going on in my life. I also may seem kind of hypocritical at some point but then again my thoughts are not always equivalent with my actions. Thank you for reading this.

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